Way to Success
201001043 NA So Young
I once participated in a school musical production club when I was in middle school. I was an actor and at the same time backstage staff. Through that experience, I learned two great lessons. One is that I have no talent in singing, dancing and acting. Another is that I love musical and one day I will be working in this field even though I do not have a special talent. Thus, I want to work in production agency in the near future because it can provide me an opportunity to entertain people and take up the challenge.
Surprisingly, a comedian was my dream when I was young. I liked entertaining people so I enjoyed the feelings when people laughed because of me. As I grew up I learned that there are various ways to entertain people and one of them was a musical. I was highly amazed by musicals I saw and how music and acting outside the screen could truly impress people. After participating in a production club, I came up with the thought that this can be my way to entertain people and myself as well.
My spirit of challenge derives from curiosity. When I am not familiar with something I grow curiosity and strive to find out what that is. That is the spirit of challenge in my life. I almost know nothing about musical but I am sincerely curious about that field so I am going to study and find out. Many people around me suggest not to waste time on uncertainty and also do not understand why I am risking myself by challenging something absolutely new. But this is what really motivates me and encourages me to move forward.
A successful life can be achieved when you are in charge of your life. A person who does not even know what they want to do or why they are doing things that they do not like will never understand the true meaning of success. When you are fully in charge of your life, you can then decide what your success is and work hard to obtain it. I know that I am happy when I can entertain other people and I have found the suitable way to do that. All I have to do now is challenge myself in the new field and do not lose the will to work hard.
What I like about this piece of writing is the language you used. I can clearly tell how much you love musical and how much you value challenge. There are so many great vocabularies in this writing :) Your main point seems to be that you would really like to have a job related to musical because you want to entertain people and challenge yourself at the same time. Words such as impress, motivate, encourage, curiosity are all so positive and show how much you want to the job. The phrase "a successful life can be achieved when you are in charge of your life" struck me as powerful as I could not agree more with it! You really have to make your own choices, and decide what you really want to spend your life doing. There was nothing I couldn't understand; everything seems very clear. However, if I could suggest one change you could make to improve your writing, it would be not to use the same vocabulary over and over again. You used the word 'entertain' many times and I understand but maybe you could replace it with 'amuse', 'please', and even change the verb into a sentence such as 'make people happy', 'make people laugh', 'give them an exhilarating/pleasant experience', 'help them enjoy' etc. Other than that, the writing is brilliant!! :D
ReplyDeleteTo So Young Na from Yujin Lee/ Assignment 1-Way to success
ReplyDeleteHi^^! I really enjoyed your essay! And please let me give you my feedback!
First, what I like about your piece of writing is that it’s based on your genuine experience. It shows me how you try to find your own way to become a successful person. Especially, I liked the part which you mentioned about your childhood. It gives me an impression that you took deep interest in finding what you like to do since you were a child!
Your main point seems to be ‘what you think about true success and search for it throughout your life’. I think it is well described by series of examples you suggested across your writing.
In particular, these lines struck me as powerful!
1. I learned two great lessons. One is that I have no talent in singing, dancing and acting. Another is that I love musical and one day I will be working in this field even though I do not have a special talent.
I think it clearly shows how you are fascinated by musical! No matter what, you are absolutely certain that your passion of musical will go on in the future. It is very impressive!
2. A person who does not even know what they want to do or why they are doing things that they do not like will never understand the true meaning of success.
I like this line very much! I think it demonstrates well how you define success. You seem to spent considerable amount of time pondering over true success. And I agree with your definition of success!
Again, I found your writing very interesting. And I think it could be even better if some parts of your writing are a little bit changed.
I think your conclusion part explains well about your idea of success. It seems this part shows the most clear relation with the title, ‘way to success. And I was thinking, it would be better if other parts of writing also contain some of this contents. Surely, I loved to read series of experience introduced throughout introduction and body parts but, I believe it would be even better if you show some more relations to the keyword ‘success’ since the title is ‘way to success’. Or it would be also fine if the title contains the content related to both success and musical^^.
And finally, the one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement is, in my opinion, to include some contents that are related to this particular year of 2014 since the keyword we were given was 2014^^. For instance, I think you could have offered some specific experiences you had in 2014 related to musical.
This was my feedback and it was a pleasure to read your piece of writing! (If you have anything to discuss about my feedback please contact me at next tuesday class^^*)
By exchanging feedback, I believe we can become better writers together! Thank you!