Reasons to Befriend the Stairs in 2014
Elevators versus Stairs. Nine out of ten people would choose to take the elevator, including myself. This proves how much we seek convenience. We like to take shortcuts and rely on machines which eventually leads to lack of exercise. Realizing this made me set a new goal this year. In 2014, I am going to befriend the stairs because of several reasons: I hope to wear the clothes that I bought before, I want to be fully awake in my first period classes, and I want to feel the pleasure of accomplishment by succeeding in losing weight.
First, the fancy clothes that I bought before entering university last year cannot be worn anymore due to the weight I have gained. I still remember the day after my high school graduation when my friends and I went shopping for new clothes from early morning to sundown. Each of us carried multiple shopping bags which we barely managed to take home. Currently, the majority of those shirts are too tight around the arms. In fact, every time I move, I fear that the needlework will come undone. Moreover, the skin-tight jeans block blood flow in my legs making it hard for me to move. As a result, those clothes now remain untouched in the back of my closet. Thus my goal is to wear them again in 2015 and confidently stroll the campus of Hankuk University of Foreign Studies (HUFS). In order to accomplish this, I am going to befriend the stairs and restrain from taking the elevators or the escalators- not only in university buildings, but also in subway stations.
Secondly, I have classes at 9 A.M. every weekday this semester; therefore, I want to be fully awake and be in better mood every first period. I am not a morning person. Five mornings a week, I wake up feeling zonked. However, as if gods played pranks on me, this semester I have classes first period from Monday to Thursday. Taking the stairs to class every morning will make me run out of breath, pant, and maybe even sweat a little. However, it will also help me fully wake up and put myself together. Furthermore, I am not in good mood most mornings, which prevents me from concentrating in class. This problem can also be solved by taking the stairs. As shown in research by Michael Deschenes, PhD, a professor of kinesiology, exercising releases hormones and endorphins which improves the mood. For these reasons, in 2014, I am going to befriend the stairs.
Lastly, I want to feel the pleasure of accomplishment this year by succeeding in losing weight. 365 days a year I say that I am on a diet, but there has been neither success nor progress. In 2013, I was a freshman and my objective was to make new friends. Therefore, I ate full course meals with friends from appetizer to dessert, which made me gain weight. It has always been depressing to realize that I have failed my diet again. However, in 2014, I have already made intimate friends, thus do not have be burdened to eat full course meals. Therefore, I have a higher chance of achieving my goal. By taking the stairs instead of elevators and escalators, I hope to lose weight and enjoy the pleasure of accomplishment.
Instead of taking the elevator to go up, I am going to take the stairs this year due to various reasons. I want to wear the clothes that I bought in the past, be fully awake in first period classes, and enjoy the pleasure of achieving my goal. These days, I no longer have to wash clothes manually, walk up the stairs, or write out essays because the machines do them for me. Consequently, life has become much more convenient, but I have also become much more lazy. Until now, I did not like to move around and I dreaded walking up the stairs. As a result, I have never succeeded in losing weight. This year, I hope to befriend the stairs and achieve my goals.
To Sharon Jeon from Hana Choi.
ReplyDeleteHello Sharon. It was really joyful to read your essay. I fully understand what you say and how depressing it is when the clothes you bought don't fit anymore. It was such a sad but hilarious story. So the topic is what I like the most about this piece of writing. Also I could see you put a lot of effort in the main paragraphs. You mixed examples and anecdote properly.
Your main points seem like you are going to take stairs instead of elevators or escalators in this year for three reasons.
The particular lines which struck me as powerful in the writing was the first sentence ' Elevators versus Stairs'. The reason why I read this writing is because this hook took my attention at first. It is a great idea to use it as the first line. Another one I liked about your writing was 'As shown in research by Michael Deschenes, PhD, a professor of kinesiology, exercising releases hormones and endorphins which improves the mood.'. It was impressive that you used a proper quote.
However there are a few things I want you to revise or change in this writing. In the first sentence you said you realized the importance of exercise and that made you to take stairs not elevators. But it is not clear to me how it is related to the third paragraph. I think that paragraph is not concerned with the lack of exercise. The writing would have been more organized and united if you just wrote about 'losing weight by taking stairs'. Also I do not the sentences 'These days, I no longer have to wash clothes manually, walk up the stairs, or write out essays because the machines do them for me. Consequently, life has become much more convenient, but I have also become much more lazy'. I wonder why you used these sentences because they seem not connected to other sentences.
one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is putting the third and fifth paragraphs together. I think they both cover the same topic 'losing weight'. In my opinion your essay will be much better if you put those two paragraphs together since they talk about almost the same thing.
To Sharon. From Seon
ReplyDeleteHi Sharon. What I liked about your essay was that the first sentence has a strong impact on getting the reader's attention. It's short and meaningful; auto versus manual. Also, the way your essay is sort of in sequence look very well organized. The main point of your essay seems to be comparing the convenient auto machine with old fashioned manual labor; you also seem eager to lose weight to stay fit and wear clothes you have bought in the past.
Lines that have struck me as powerful are:
-As shown in research by Michael Deschenes, PhD, a professor of
kinesiology, exercising releases hormones and endorphins which improves
the mood.
I think it's a very powerful supporting sentence because it's a fact to back up your thoughts.
- Elevators versus Stairs. Nine out of ten people would choose to take the
elevator, including myself.
This sentence that starts off the essay has big impact; I think using realistic statistics can help your prove your point.
Lines that I think need improving are:
- Instead of taking the elevator to go up, I am going to take the stairs this year due to various reasons. I want to wear the clothes that I bought in the past, be fully awake in first period classes, and enjoy the pleasure of achieving my goal.
I picked this because I believe it needs a fresh and different wording from your thesis. I don't have a solution, but I wish it could be combined to one beautiful sentence.
The one change I think you could make to improve this essay a lot is your concluding paragraph. Honestly, it seems like you rushed to finish your essay. Better wording and conclusion would definitely boost the quality of your essay.
Great job though, I really enjoyed reading your essay. It really shows your real personality.