| 201302209 Haesook Yoon
I am so sorry about my prior essay, I sent an email using my phone and I guess that was the problem. I made it much easier to read now. Again I am so sorry about my mistake and the essay below is the same one I posted before. Thank you.
What I should not do in 2014.
Last year as most people do I also made a New Year's resolutions which were not successful at all. I had more important things than my New Years resolutions. So instead, I decided to make a list of what I should not do in 2014. With this plan I could do my other important things not missing my New Year's resolutions. Based on my mistakes in 2013, I learned that I should not live unsystematically, do something without a plan and waste my time on a cell phone. When I first got into HUFS, I was busy enjoying my freedom, free from parents, teachers and study. My life pattern was full of unexpectedness. If one of my friends called me to come out and have a drink, I'd go whenever it was. I usually woke up two hours before the first class and studied when it was really needed. I did not eat when I was supposed to eat. I ate when I was starving. With this tangled life pattern, I gained lots of body problems. I lost weight in unhealthy way, I got skin troubles and mostly I got tired easily. Regretting what I have done to my body last year I came up with a plan which is to live a well-regulated life. This year, in 2014 I will not live an ill life. Doing something improvisatorially had a share in my tangled life. I began many projects last year such as knitting and could not finish because I did not have an elaborate plans. I learned with difficulty that it was much harder do something without plan. With plan and with efficiency I could finish my projects with proud. This year, I will do nothing without plan. I will also find my own way of planning that fits to my life-style. System and plan can not change habits. I made a new habit last year with my new cell-phone. I guess almost every one in my generation have this habit. When I am alone, I frequently play with my cell phone. Facebook and Candy Crush Saga is the suspect of my habit. I wasted a lot of time looking at my cell phone and I know this is a big problem. The real problem is that I can not stop looking at it. So this year my biggest 'not to do' plan is not to waste my time playing with my cell phone. Living this year systematically and with plan, not wasting moments with my phone I will make my self a better person. I suppose it will be a hard journey but making my self in a whole different person will make my future brighter. I can not wait to see a brand-new me.
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Monday, March 17, 2014
Haesook Yoon/Assignment #1,2014/ Tues. 11a.m
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To Haesook Yoon
ReplyDeleteFrom So Young NA
1. What I like about this piece of writing is that the structure of comparing past year and current year enables readers to grasp the essay more clearly.
2. Your main point seems to be things not to do in 2014.
3. I liked this sentence,
"I suppose it will be a hard journey but making myself in a whole different person will make my future brighter."
because it describes very well what the writer is trying to say with this essay.
There are nicely used phrases such as 'tangled life pattern' or 'well-regulated life'.
4. There are several grammar mistakes to be fixed such as " I guess almost every one in my generation have this habit".
Here, 'every one' should be 'everyone' and 'have this habbit' should be 'has this habbit'.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is that it would've been better to give a more detail example of finishing projects with satisfaction in second paragraph to better support the topic sentence.
Thank you.
To Haesook Yoon/ From Soyi Lee/ week2, about 2014
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is your main point which is to live a planned, regular life. I too, as a university student, live unexpected days and spend meaningless hours, skipping meals or eating too much at a wrong time. Reading your essay, I could look back my days and decide not to live unplanned life.
2. Your main point seems to be ‘not to do list in 2014’ which includes ‘living unplanned life’ and ‘spend hours with cell phones’. I especially agreed on what you have written about ‘cell phone’. Looking down on Facebook makes me laugh for a second, but makes my posture, my brain, and my eye sights bad.
3. These particular lines struck me as powerful : “Living this year systematically and with plan, not wasting moments with my phone I will make my self a better person.”
I liked them because you proposed specific, and realistic solution to make yourself better. Some people don’t even try to be a better person, satisfying with themselves or forgiving to change. However it was very impressive that you had your own time contemplating possible way to develop yourself.
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved: I don’t think the word ‘improvisatorially’ is a frequently used vocabulary. (If I’m wrong, maybe I should read more ) How about changing the expression into something like ‘spend unplanned time’?
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is to combine second and third paragraph. I think these two paragraphs share an important idea: “To live a planned life”. I understand that the results are different: One is an unhealthy life, the other not completing your work. However in my opinion, it can be combined into one and be clearer to readers.