Sorry I forgot to distinguish paragraphs in the one I submitted. This is the correct one :)
The World's Largest Beer Festival
For those who savor beer, Germany's Oktoberfest is one of the most longed-for festivals in the world. Every year, more than 6 million people from around the globe gather in Munich to celebrate the world's largest beer fair. The festival takes place for about 16 days from late September to the first weekend of October. The festival held to celebrate the marriage of crown prince in 1810 is known to be the origin of Oktoberfest. During the fair, one can enjoy not only beer but various parades and events as well.
The very first stage of Oktoberfest is the marching parade to announce the start of the 16 days long festival. On the first day of the fair, which is Saturday, thousands of people march down the Munich streets followed by carts full of beer barrels.
Once the parade is over, the mayor of Munich opens the first beer barrel. When opening it, the mayor shouts 'O'zapft is' meaning the barrel is opened and it officially declares the beginning of Oktoberfest. Only after this can people open other beer barrels and start selling them.
On the 2nd day of the festival, nearly ten thousand people march across Munich downtown in German traditional costumes. The tradition costume parade became the official event of Oktoberfest in 1950, and ever since it has been the essential part of the fair. The 'child of Munich', which is the symbol of the city of Munich leads the parade followed by 40 cartful of people in costumes. Only six major beer companies of the city are allowed to set up tents and serve during Oktoberfest. Annually, 6 million liters of beer is consumed on average in 16 days.
Oktoberfest began as a local festival of a relatively small scale. Yet, now it is one of the world's most famous and celebrated festivals. Recently, many other cities around the globe hold their own version of Oktoberfest. The author believes Okterberfest is a festival truely worth visting for once in life.
To. Seung Hyun Kim From So-eun Yoon
ReplyDeleteHello Seung Hyun!!
1. I think your thesis statement lacks words which signal the readers that this is going to be a process essay. By including words such as steps or stages, you could better inform the readers about what kind of an essay you are going to write.
2. Your introductory paragraph includes various background information about your topic, Germany's Oktoberfest. You have mentioned the origin, duration, and the location of this festival.
3. Your body paragraphs do not present different parts of the process, but are rather continuations of what happens during the sixteen-day-long festival.
4. The process is organized in a chronological order by sequencing how the festival starts and what happens afterwards.
5. Your body paragraphs include lots of facts, definitions, and details about the first day of the festival. But, I think your paragraphs lack information about what happens after the second day of the festival. I think readers would want to know more about what happens during the festival as it nears the end.
6. You have included an evaluation of this festival, but I think it would have been better to conclude your essay by recommending others to try participating in this exciting festival.
Thank you for reading my comments, and I will see you next week!
Bye for now :)
To. Seung Hyun Kim From Daewon Shin
ReplyDelete1. I think you don't have direct words that identifies the process in your thesis statement, but you gave information when the festival takes place which lasts 16 days. So, it might be able for readers to see your writing will be a process writing.
2. In the introduction, there is background information like the when and where it takes place and the origin of the festival.
3. The whole body paragraphs are written as the days of the festival go by and each paragraph says about different days of it, which means it presents a different part of the process.
4. Body paragraphs of your essay are organized in a logical sequence by showing how the festival starts and how it goes.
5. You wrote about lots of detailed information in the body paragraphs such as how the festival starts and what kind of events happen, but they are too one-sided to the beginning of the festival.
6. You evaluated the festival that its has been changed from a small festival into one of the most famous festivals in the world and it's worth visiting there once in a life.
Thank you.
To Seung Hyun Kim from From Kunhoo Park on Assignment 2
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is
I think the information you gave is very interesting and useful.
2. Your main point seems to be
Your main point seems to be the introduction of Oktoberfest.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful
As the first line in the first paragraph, you said “For those who savor beer, Germany's Oktoberfest is one of the most longed-for festivals in the world.” I was quite impressed that you didn't use cliche. It might have been really boring if you wrote "For those who like beer, Germany's Oktoberfest is one of the most popular festivals in the world." The words 'savor' and 'longed-for' held my attention.
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved
I personally think your thesis statement is to weak considering it is process analysis essay. Although you clearly stated the process in the body parts, it might have been superb if you mentioned the process in your thesis statement.
5. The biggest change you could make on this essay is
I think lengths of your body parts are impartial. If you strike a quantity balance between those paragraphs, your essay would be more sophisticated.
The World's Largest Beer Festival
ReplyDeleteFor those who savor beer, Germany's Oktoberfest is one of the most longed-for festivals in the world. Every year, more than 6 million people from around the globe gather in Munich to celebrate the world's largest beer fair. The festival takes place for about 16 days from late September to the first weekend of October. The festival held to celebrate the marriage of crown prince in 1810 is known to be the origin of Oktoberfest. During the fair, one can enjoy not only beer but various parades and events as well. Looking into the festival and getting to know the steps of it will be very interesting.
The very first stage of Oktoberfest is the marching parade to announce the start of the 16 days long festival. On the first day of the fair, which is Saturday, thousands of people march down the Munich streets followed by carts full of beer barrels. Once the parade is over, the mayor of Munich opens the first beer barrel. When opening it, the mayor shouts 'O'zapft is' meaning the barrel is opened and it officially declares the beginning of Oktoberfest. Only after this can people open other beer barrels and start selling them.
On the 2nd day of the festival, nearly ten thousand people march across Munich downtown in German traditional costumes. The tradition costume parade became the official event of Oktoberfest in 1950, and ever since it has been the essential part of the fair. The 'child of Munich', which is the symbol of the city of Munich leads the parade followed by 40 cartful of people in costumes.
Since the third day, the festival does not hold other official marches or events. It is now mainly about drinking and enjoying beer served by six major beer companies of Munich. Only the registered companies can serve during the festival and by the end of the festival six million litters of beer is consumed on average every year.
Oktoberfest began as a local festival of a relatively small scale. Yet, now it is one of the world's most famous and celebrated festivals. Recently, many other cities around the globe hold their own version of Oktoberfest. The author believes Okterberfest is a festival truly worth visting for once in life.